Day 2-Bon Voyage

Goodbye land! 

Checking out the pier

It’s departure day! This cruising business is new to me and my family...except Daegon. He has had the opportunity before (twice) to cruise with his uncle and grandparents. Lucky duck! So we are pretty excited and a little anxious about this adventure. It’s pretty incredible that we have technology that simplifies our lives so much. We were telling our kids on the way down about the good ol’ days when we had to pull out the extremely large and bulky paper map to find our way. And we didn’t have a navigation app to show us the freeway in red when when the roads were super congested. So we are pretty fortunate to have iPhones and Siri to help us with our traffic challenges. Rob navigated the California roads like a boss and we arrived on time at the pier to check in for our cruise. It was touch and go for a little while but we successfully made it on the boat and enjoyed the launch of the Carnival Splendor from the balcony of our room. There is something about the ocean and the breeze that just soothes my soul! Jayden and I quietly sang the words from Moana as the ocean “called” us.😂 Ryker and Jayden loved watching the land disappear from the comfort of our balcony but Daegon and Trenton were way more adventurous on the upper levels of the ship.

DINNER
The buffet! Wow! Food for miles...well it feels like miles. So many people were eating and milling around when we boarded. We decided to wait a little bit to eat because we ate at a mall somewhere in California before heading to the boat. But I had my eye on the huge plates with burgers and fries I kept seeing everywhere so I had to go back for that after our muster drill.

Muster. I kept thinking people were saying “mussel” drill and I could only think of the critters people have to clean off their boats when they come back into Utah from Lake Mead. I couldn’t figure out why we would need a drill for that. Well...it had NOTHING to do with mussels and everything to do with what can go wrong on a large boat. 😱 It was informative but took forever to account for all of the passengers. Ryker cried through the whole thing but we got to leave the drill early because of him! Thanks Ryker!

Back to food... so once we were out of the harbor, we went back for the burgers and fries. They did NOT disappoint! Was it the best burger I’ve had? Meh...it was cooked quickly and mass produced but everything tastes better while on vacation, right?!? The pizza place was open too. Rob said it was pretty good! So three great options so far! At that point, Trenton and Dax joined us for “second dinner”.

We had time the rest of the evening to settle in and explore the ship. The kids have already explored the whole ship and found all the places. Probably even some they shouldn’t have been!! But they are great little navigators and are having a blast! This will be an amazing adventure!

Until next time....

Bridge to the boat

The boat is in sight!

Checking it all out from our balcony

The FOOD! 

Here we go! 

And no one knows....how far it goes...

The Sweet Spot! See you in a week! 

Kids tour the boat!

Hurry mom! I need food! 

Day 1-Travel Day

Our first day of our trip was a travel day. We decided it would be so much easier to take a day to travel to California so we wouldn’t be rushed the day we were to set sail. We would be able to stop whenever we needed to. We found out the night before that Rob’s flight from Chicago was delayed and he would miss his connecting flight to St. George. After carefully weighing all of his options, he decided to rent a car in Salt Lake and drive home, which gave him a 4:00 am arrival. Fortunately, he is used to functioning on very little sleep.

Annoying Big Brother

The excitement of going on this trip (Trenton) and the chore of packing (Emily) kept some of us awake the night before and crankiness ensued among family members when Ryker didn’t get his way and screamed at everyone while traveling.

Hanging out at Buffalo Bills

We stopped at Buffalo Bills in Primm in hopes the Desperado roller coaster was open. Sadly, it was not. Trenton has been wanting to go on it forever!! It just never seems to be running when we are there. We had lunch at McDonalds and Panda Express then headed on our way.

     After some grueling traffic and scary freeway interchanges, we made it to our hotel. When we travel to see family up north, we stay at Staybridge Suites and the boys really like it. So, we found a Staybridge 15 miles from the pier and it was just what we hoped. Robert grabbed Little Caesar’s for dinner and we were done for the night! Fortunately these no nap days help us get Ryker to bed easily!

Until next time...

Settling In

Sharing

What defines you?

     Change is good! Change makes us flexible. And stronger. Right??? Sometimes we gracefully move in the direction the universe is telling us to go and other times we go kicking and screaming!

     I have this friend...we met in a normal way but became fast friends immediately. It was like I knew her soul and she knew mine. She is older than me. Her children are around my age. Maybe it is her motherly instinct or our spirits reaching out for each other, but for whatever reason, we bonded through acupuncture sessions. She is a healer and I needed healing. She is a master of change and truly has faith she will be led in the direction she is meant to go. Soon after I met her, she packed up and moved to Hawaii. I was sad, but she knew she had to go. We lost touch for a year or so then one day, she randomly texted me and said she was back! She didn’t have a job or a place to live but she knew her current life calling was here, in St. George. Soon after she moved back, I was put on bedrest. The pregnancy was rough. And scary. Along with my family, she was an amazing support to me through the pregnancy and NICU experience. We had a few (what she called) “helping visits” where she would come over and clean or do laundry. It was hard for me to accept the help, but she didn't give me the chance to refuse. A beautiful friend in my time of need! She has since moved on to a different calling in California but I bring her up because I am inspired by her free spirit. I want to be like her!

My dear friend and baby R

As a person who carefully plans everything...and I really do mean everything...I currently find myself in a bit of a transition period... 

     I’ve been a teacher for twenty years. Ouch! Half of my life??? Teaching is what I do, it's who I am. The role of teacher kind of defines me. Well...yeah...I am also a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister...but my calling...my purpose has always been to teach. I never wanted to do anything else. My calling to help young people with their education and self-discovery was always clear to me. So you can imagine the big feelings going on inside me as I am coming to terms with the truth that I am currently not a teacher. Of course I will always be a teacher at heart, but I am taking a break. I need a break. The decision didn’t come easily. In fact, it was a battle with myself for weeks. There were many conversations in my home about it and a lot of questions we needed answered. Losing my pay and benefits when I was pregnant was devastating and we are still recovering from it. So the biggest question was, "Can we make this work?" Here is where the faith comes in...like I mentioned before, I REALLY need a break. I felt like I was limping along through daily life. I wasn't a good teacher or a good mother or a good wife. It was hard to get up in the morning and all I could think about for most of the day was going back to bed. The details of my health issues aren’t important in this story, but there are some big things going on with me and I need to figure them out. So what is important in this story? Just the awareness that I need some time to focus on myself, my health and my family. I have possibilities and options and honestly, as I stand at the threshold of opportunity for healing and self discovery, I feel a tingle of excitement, but also fear of the unknown. Big fear! 

Let's take a selfie! 

The role of teacher no longer defines me. I plan to go back.
I don't know where or when. It might be soon and it might not. But I can't give up the passion that easily. ;-) But for now, I'm going to take care of myself and my family and do my best to accept what the universe hands me! 

Thirty days of love and life

Optimistically cautious. That is how I've been feeling for the last seven months.  It seems we had just gone from a normal, busy life to one where mom was on bedrest. We found a somewhat normal family routine and my daily routine was pretty consistent. I knew exactly which shows I would watch at which time. I would make me something to eat for lunch, usually a baked potato with sour cream and cheese. Because I secretly gave the cats a few pieces of shredded cheese every day, they also got used to the routine. Every day at 11:00, as I was preparing my food, they would sleepily come out from where they were napping and sneak into the kitchen and patiently wait for their daily "treat". Then it was nap time before the boys got home from school. This routine was pretty much set. I was used to it. The cats were used to it.

Waiting for cheese!

Then it all changed again!

    I recently posted about my experience with Ryker's birth. A normal day...a routine OB doctor's visit. Next thing I know, we have a baby! Some of this experience is deeply ingrained in my mind and I will never forget it. Other parts of it are fuzzy and some of it, I don't remember at all. I remember Ryker's perfect little face as I said goodbye to him on his way to the NICU. I remember the first moment I saw him hooked up to all those tubes and wires. I remember being alone in my hospital room while everyone else around me was taking care of their babies. I remember sleeping for four solid hours for the first time in six months. I remember wishing I could hold that baby...many times.
    I realized yesterday that Ryker was 30 days old...and that was the day he was supposed to be induced due to my diabetes. He was never going to make it to 40 weeks...but we hoped he would make it to 38. It would have been my 38th week now. Crazy!
   It is getting harder. I thought the first week was hard when I had to leave him in the NICU. The second week was also hard. The third week, we realized how tired we were. And how chaotic things were at home. How much our children were dealing with. How the simplest things like dinner, chores, and bedtime routine became what felt like a burden. All I could think about was Ryker and my next visit. For several weeks now I've watched the parents of other babies heavily trudge in and out of the NICU two, three, four times a day. We have an unspoken common bond that allows us to nod at each other when we make eye contact. None of us should have to bear the weight of this burden. But we do it so willingly because of the beautiful sweet souls that are our children. And I am grateful to have Ryker in my life.

     This is week four. It might possibly be the hardest week yet. There is no end to his stay in the near future. No one can say when he will be ready to come home except for him. He needs to learn how to breathe, suck, swallow.  Maybe one or two more weeks if we are lucky. He hasn't been in the NICU the longest. There are smaller and sicker babies than him. He looks healthy. He looks content. But inside he is still small. He is having difficulty doing things that come naturally to us. He struggles to breathe and he struggles to eat. The doctors tell us daily "He is still young" and "He is acting like a preemie". I know these are meant as words of comfort but they just remind me it is still going to be awhile before he can come home. He was fussy as I left the NICU last night. I  couldn't comfort him or make his pains go away. I had to leave him in the capable hands of the nursing staff. I know he is well taken care of, but that hole in my heart feels bigger every day I have to say goodbye and leave him.
 This post is heavy. And I obviously don't have my "positive pants" on right now, but I haven't forgotten all of our blessings surrounding this little boy. He is meant to be here...a definite gift from God. He survived so many things other babies couldn't have handled. He is improving every day and for that I am grateful! The outpouring of love and help from friends, family, and neighbors is pushing us through this tough time and I know we will make it.

You aren't getting away Papa! 

Hangin' out with Uncle Rico

I got my Granny! 

We will look back on it and realize everything happened the way it was supposed to and we will be able to acknowledge the strength we were able to grasp onto during the hardest days. He is a fighter! I know he will be ok and will be home when he is ready. Our lives will start back up again and we won't measure time by our NICU visits. Anyone who has been there knows what we are going through and have offered many encouraging words. I am thankful for that. I also acknowledge how blessed my life is as I remember daily my angel baby Michael and my Angel mom friends. I know they would trade in a minute to have their babies back. I thank Michael several times a day as I snuggle Ryker and know the sacrifice his brother made to clear the path for this sweet baby. Life can be hard. And it can be beautiful. And through it all...we are survivors. Miracles do happen!

Loving my mommy! 

Caption THIS!! 

Camo baby! Just for his brother J! 

Our Bundle of love!

    Have you ever had a a situation in your life where you are walking or driving but your own world..the world you are aware of...is completely still? You know everything around you is moving...changing...but you are stuck in this surreal void that doesn't change along with everything else. And when you realize this thing is really happening to you, it feels like the walls start to crumble around you and you can't run, or get away, or do anything to change what it happening. I've spent a lot of time in this world of mine lately. Lots of tears and anxiety...

     Two weeks ago, baby Ryker came into this world. Six weeks early. The situation could have been so much worse. I know first hand how much worse it could have been. But leaving the hospital without him felt like my heart stopped. Like I was leaving a major part of me there. For seven and a half months I protected and grew this little being. We made some hard decisions...some major decisions...surrounding his and my care. The risk factors were always there in the background taunting me, but everything seemed fine. The doctors kept saying everything looked perfect. When I had the scare in December and had to go on bedrest, we had more hard decisions to make. Insurance and wage loss...so much stress!! But is was all for the good of this little addition to our life and looking at the whole situation now, I wouldn't change a single thing we did. 

Day 1-So many "snakes" to wrestle! 

     The stress is different now. Today, the tears are not as continuous and the anxiety comes and goes. In my last post, I talked about my trip to the hospital with signs of pre-eclampsia and out of control blood sugar. After we got the contractions under control, I rested and told Baby it wasn't time yet. One week after the hospital stay, I had an appointment with my OB. She was concerned about my blood pressure and a couple of other things. She called the high risk doctors I had been with the week before. When her nurse came back in, she told us they were "checking us in." Rob and I looked at each other and knew we were most likely having this baby. SIX WEEKS EARLY! I was so so anxious and scared! We had come so far...I couldn't lose him now. Ryker was supposed to be in this world but I wasn't sure how it would all go. 

   We checked in to be "observed" for awhile. They monitored the baby. They monitored me. I was still having contractions, even after taking medicine to stop the contractions. We talked to the doctor for a minute but still didn't know what was happening. We knew we had to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor again and get another ultrasound so he could make the call but that's about it. After several hours, we were still waiting to find out if we were having the baby or not. We knew I was probably staying but it was not clear if they were inducing me yet. We thought I might have to be observed again. By 5:00 pm, we were tired, hungry, and I was worried about my other children at home and what they would do about dinner and bedtime. Fortunately, my parents took care of all that and my brother stayed with them. Thank goodness for family! 

   We finally had our turn for the ultrasound. The high risk doctor, the MFM doctor and the labor nurse looked at the ultrasound thoroughly and for a long time. They asked me what I thought...if we should deliver the baby. I was surprised they asked me but so happy they did. After a VERY rough and anxious three weeks, I told them I felt Ryker could get the help he needed and I could get the help I needed separately but what we were currently doing wasn't working with me still pregnant. So we delivered! They got everything going quickly and Rob went home to take care of the boys and get my bag. He came back to the hospital around 8:30 am after dropping the boys off at school. Ryker Jay Stam was born at 9:06 am. It took one push and less than 10 minutes once it was time. Definitely the easiest of my deliveries. And our high risk doctor was amazing! He said the umbilical cord was the longest he has ever see...no wonder Ryker moved ALL THE TIME! He was wrestling that big "snake" in there for months! It was wrapped around him several times, but the doctor freed him from that cord so quickly it was like it never happened. There is no doubt this little bean is meant to be on this earth! 

Not so sure about this world! 

     The NICU doctors got him all cleaned up and he was whisked away to the NICU and hooked up to all the machines. It felt like a nightmare and a miracle all at the same time. I had known the whole time he would be ok and everything would work out. But I just kept thinking anyway. "He will be ok, right?" The NICU team is awesome and they take great care of him. He stabilized right away but had a little scare the third day he was in the NICU. He couldn't hold his food down and he aspirated when he threw up and his lung collapsed. It was terrifying! They put all the tubes back on and I put the call out to my FB friends and family for prayers. And he turned things right around! He has been continually improving since. Thank you everyone for sending healing energy our way! 

   So for now, our "normal" is frequent daily visits to the NICU to change diapers, take temperatures, try to bottle feed and let him grow. I'm honestly surprised he is still in NICU because he is doing so well. So many other sick babies there in the NICU! Our little man is small, but a fighter and ready to go home. He tries to pull the cords off himself every time he is awake and his hands are free from being swaddled. His little personality is huge! He is content and satisfied every time we see him. We are truly blessed to have him in our lives and he is a living miracle. Tender mercies my friend tells me often. I can't believe how much we have been through and I wonder if he feels it too. We are relaxed and relieved when we are together and SOON, we will be able to recover together at home. I am so grateful for the outcome of this story. Miracles happen!  

Baby Update

     February 25, 2017 ranks up there on my list as one of the longest nights EVER!! I'll explain that in a minute...
     Babies are hard! Raising them, anticipating their needs, and for me...even growing them is a challenge! I've been on bedrest for 9 weeks. Nine weeks ago, the whole idea of turning my classroom over to someone else was impossible. So much harder than I thought it would be! And it wasn't because I don't trust the subs or think they will do a bad job. I am a teacher. For the past 18 years I've been helping and nurturing young actors. I was afraid without that major part of me I would be lost. I was afraid I would be missing out, or the kids would like the sub more than me. But honestly, after all of the stress and worry, it's been a relief to be able to turn that major part of my life over to someone else and know I don't have to worry about it right now. My administration and fellow teachers have been so great to handle everything I just left without being able to wrap anything up. With so many other things on my mind, I am happy that school isn't one of them. 

     Nine weeks ago, I didn't realize how this bedrest situation would impact my family, immediate and extended. I didn't realize how demanding my needs would be on my husband and my children. My forgetful pregnancy brain has messed things up more than once over these last couple of months. While it embarrasses me and makes me feel bad, my loving family has been so forgiving! I realized quickly after starting bedrest, I was not going to be able to be the mom I want to be...and it was going to have to be ok. I had to learn to just let things happen as they are going to happen. I've been able to keep my mind pretty busy, but it is a LONG time to be stuck in my bed. 

      So we've settled into a pattern at our house. I've discovered that I can actually engage more with my children and my husband because my time and energy is not split between so many things. My boys say goodbye in the morning and come straight in after school to tell me about their day. I love that! I get to watch them play video games, and legos, and imagination games. I see them helping each other and helping me. It warms my heart when they come in my room to ask if I need anything. Or I "page" J on his phone and he comes running to see what I need. And Rob! He has taken over everything. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids AND me, and keeping us in stock of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. He actually learned how to bake them for us and they are GREAT! They don't usually last more than two days. He does all of this while still carrying out the jobs he has going on. And he doesn't complain. Well...at least not to me. 😂 

    So many people have stepped up to make this easier for my kids and Rob and a result, for me too. I have a long list of people to thank for everything they are doing for us. I would list them, but I'm sure I will forget people...you remember...that pregnancy brain I mentioned earlier. But the meals, and the baby gear, the baby clothes, the texts and calls checking on me, transportation of my children. So many wonderful people helping us out! And my family...my family has been so instrumental in keeping us going. My parents and brothers have been like parents to my children by helping them and shuttling them where they need to be. I couldn't do this without them! 

     So back to Friday night...longest night ever...my mom and husband convinced me to go to labor and delivery after three days of generally feeling pretty yucky. I had just been to my OB the day before I started feeling bad and everything seemed fine so I figured I just hadn't slept enough. I've had some good and bad days lately so I didn't think much of it. But contractions started getting stronger and more frequent so we headed in. Test after test was completed. After talking to the high risk doctor and the nurses, it turns out my blood pressure and my blood sugar had both spiraled out of control quickly. I was also dehydrated. The monitors detected something unusual about the baby's heartbeat, so of course I was terrified! All I could think of all night long is "how can this be happening?!?" We made it this far...I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to this baby. I couldn't even close my eyes and try to sleep because I was so scared. The ultrasound looked ok. They couldn't find anything wrong with the baby. It was baffling to everyone there so we worked on stabilizing everything throughout the night and through the next day. Then I had to be observed another night and day because of the shots they had to give me to speed up the growth of the baby and they were afraid my blood sugar would spike. The team of nurses and doctors were amazing and everything stabilized pretty quickly! Contractions stopped, baby's heartbeat regulated and I started feeling better. A thorough ultra sound was completed and he looks great. He is a BIG baby already.  At almost 33 weeks, he is just still too young to be born. They want me to go AT least 3-4 more weeks so he can develop. They gave me shots to help his lungs develop faster as a precaution...that first night, we were all pretty much preparing for an early delivery. I think I might have started to cry when the doctor said I could go home. :) 

     For now, everything is fine! I'm so happy and relieved he is strong and healthy. I am grateful I was able to get help. I am grateful for modern technology and medicine. I am grateful to be home and sleeping in my own bed! It was a rough few days!

     I am now focused on resting, sleeping, and making lists of final preparations for baby. He has a mind of his own and could make an appearance any time now...even though I told him he needs to settle down and keep developing. This has been an adventure! It's been fun trying to guess what his little personality will be like based on his constant crazy movements and "hiding" from the heart monitors. I can only guess we are in for even more adventure in the upcoming weeks! 

'Tis the Season of Giving!

     I love Christmas! All of it! Lights, music, cookies, presents...you get the idea. I love putting on the annual Christmas Showcase with my students because it's like having Christmas twice. We set it up, we celebrate, we clean it up. Then it starts all over again at home. I love all of it...
     Last year...is a blur. I don't remember what presents my kids got, I don't remember setting up the tree or decorating. I don't remember looking at lights. There are bits and pieces that come back to me as I hear my kids talking about it. I had a hard year. Quite possibly one of the hardest I have ever had...and some have been rough. Friends and family know we found out in May of 2015 we were expecting a baby. Total surprise! It took us awhile to get used to the idea of having another baby. Just as we started to accept that the pregnancy was real (four tests later and doctor confirmation), we found out our baby boy had Trisomy 18 and wouldn't live. We made some very hard decisions and lost baby Michael on July 31, 2015. School started the next week and I was on autopilot for just about the whole school year. It was hard, it was scary, and I was really tested to my limits. Looking back now, that sweet little baby I never met saved my life in many ways. I have since been able to recognize and get help for diabetes and high blood pressure. I also appreciate my boys so much more after having lost one and I know how important it is to hold them close. My angel baby will forever hold a special place in my heart, but I have been able to move on and accept it for what it was.

     Fast forward to this year...we found out in July (one year after losing Michael) we were expecting ANOTHER baby! Again...a surprise! It was just as hard to accept it was happening but in some ways it was even harder. My baby is 7 years old. This is like starting over!  And after the last experience, I was/am terrified! So many things can go wrong. I fluctuated between excitement, fear, and outright panic in the first few months. I think it could be categorized as PTSD with the shaking and sweating I face every time I go to the doctor. I can't stand the thought of losing another baby. I've been working closely with a couple of doctors and a specialist. Fortunately, everything about this pregnancy has been perfect!

Until last week!

     I had a scare last week. I thought for sure I was losing the baby. The doctor instructed me to go to labor and delivery to be checked. They did an ultrasound and everything was fine with the baby. Strong heartbeat, good movement. They monitored for contractions and sent me home with the diagnosis of bedrest. Bedrest...the most important thing I can do for this baby. But SO hard for ME. Physically and mentally. I had issues when I was pregnant with J and was on bedrest for 3 1/2 half months. The exact same place in that pregnancy as this one. Bedrest at Christmastime. So much to do with school, family, all of my winter break projects...all on hold for now. The rallying my family and friends was overwhelming! The amazing Kaye Bair stepped in and completely took over my classes. I hate asking for help and I didn't have to. People just stepped in and took over at school and at home. Meals and gifts and encouraging notes! Definitely feeling the LOVE!

    That brings me to the point of this blog post.... the season of giving! I love reading stories about how giving and loving people are around this time of year. Of course, I wish we could always treat other this way, but at least people remember each other during the holiday season.

     Last night, we were surprised and blessed by a Secret Santa(s)! My son thought someone was at the door...we've been on high alert since someone ripped apart our inflatable Santa the other night. He looked out and then came to get me. "Mommy!! Baby stuff. At the door. You have to come see!" I went to the door and couldn't even move...or speak... one of my big concerns about this pregnancy is that we don't have any baby stuff and not much money to purchase things. We didn't keep any of it because we didn't know we had another child meant for us. For some reason, we kept our crib. I'm glad we did! And neighbors Wade and Sarah Stevens gave us a beautiful changing table. I had a couple of baby clothes pieces from Sarah and a couple of other friends. But that was it! So of course there were many tears of gratitude shed when I saw this at the door...

     I'm overwhelmed even now as I write this. Clothes, diapers, gift cards and more! It is amazing! I don't know who provided us with these amazing gifts but I hope they are rewarded, fulfilled, and blessed in all of the ways they deserve! I can't even express the magnitude of my gratitude today as I keep looking at all of this stuff! For someone to take the time and effort to do this for us is so incredible to me. And a wonderful example of giving for my children to see and learn from. Thank you so much for making this Christmas so special and for helping us in this time of need. Merry Christmas!