What defines you?

     Change is good! Change makes us flexible. And stronger. Right??? Sometimes we gracefully move in the direction the universe is telling us to go and other times we go kicking and screaming!

     I have this friend...we met in a normal way but became fast friends immediately. It was like I knew her soul and she knew mine. She is older than me. Her children are around my age. Maybe it is her motherly instinct or our spirits reaching out for each other, but for whatever reason, we bonded through acupuncture sessions. She is a healer and I needed healing. She is a master of change and truly has faith she will be led in the direction she is meant to go. Soon after I met her, she packed up and moved to Hawaii. I was sad, but she knew she had to go. We lost touch for a year or so then one day, she randomly texted me and said she was back! She didn’t have a job or a place to live but she knew her current life calling was here, in St. George. Soon after she moved back, I was put on bedrest. The pregnancy was rough. And scary. Along with my family, she was an amazing support to me through the pregnancy and NICU experience. We had a few (what she called) “helping visits” where she would come over and clean or do laundry. It was hard for me to accept the help, but she didn't give me the chance to refuse. A beautiful friend in my time of need! She has since moved on to a different calling in California but I bring her up because I am inspired by her free spirit. I want to be like her!

My dear friend and baby R

As a person who carefully plans everything...and I really do mean everything...I currently find myself in a bit of a transition period... 

     I’ve been a teacher for twenty years. Ouch! Half of my life??? Teaching is what I do, it's who I am. The role of teacher kind of defines me. Well...yeah...I am also a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister...but my calling...my purpose has always been to teach. I never wanted to do anything else. My calling to help young people with their education and self-discovery was always clear to me. So you can imagine the big feelings going on inside me as I am coming to terms with the truth that I am currently not a teacher. Of course I will always be a teacher at heart, but I am taking a break. I need a break. The decision didn’t come easily. In fact, it was a battle with myself for weeks. There were many conversations in my home about it and a lot of questions we needed answered. Losing my pay and benefits when I was pregnant was devastating and we are still recovering from it. So the biggest question was, "Can we make this work?" Here is where the faith comes in...like I mentioned before, I REALLY need a break. I felt like I was limping along through daily life. I wasn't a good teacher or a good mother or a good wife. It was hard to get up in the morning and all I could think about for most of the day was going back to bed. The details of my health issues aren’t important in this story, but there are some big things going on with me and I need to figure them out. So what is important in this story? Just the awareness that I need some time to focus on myself, my health and my family. I have possibilities and options and honestly, as I stand at the threshold of opportunity for healing and self discovery, I feel a tingle of excitement, but also fear of the unknown. Big fear! 

Let's take a selfie! 

The role of teacher no longer defines me. I plan to go back.
I don't know where or when. It might be soon and it might not. But I can't give up the passion that easily. ;-) But for now, I'm going to take care of myself and my family and do my best to accept what the universe hands me! 

Thirty days of love and life

Optimistically cautious. That is how I've been feeling for the last seven months.  It seems we had just gone from a normal, busy life to one where mom was on bedrest. We found a somewhat normal family routine and my daily routine was pretty consistent. I knew exactly which shows I would watch at which time. I would make me something to eat for lunch, usually a baked potato with sour cream and cheese. Because I secretly gave the cats a few pieces of shredded cheese every day, they also got used to the routine. Every day at 11:00, as I was preparing my food, they would sleepily come out from where they were napping and sneak into the kitchen and patiently wait for their daily "treat". Then it was nap time before the boys got home from school. This routine was pretty much set. I was used to it. The cats were used to it.

Waiting for cheese!

Then it all changed again!

    I recently posted about my experience with Ryker's birth. A normal day...a routine OB doctor's visit. Next thing I know, we have a baby! Some of this experience is deeply ingrained in my mind and I will never forget it. Other parts of it are fuzzy and some of it, I don't remember at all. I remember Ryker's perfect little face as I said goodbye to him on his way to the NICU. I remember the first moment I saw him hooked up to all those tubes and wires. I remember being alone in my hospital room while everyone else around me was taking care of their babies. I remember sleeping for four solid hours for the first time in six months. I remember wishing I could hold that baby...many times.
    I realized yesterday that Ryker was 30 days old...and that was the day he was supposed to be induced due to my diabetes. He was never going to make it to 40 weeks...but we hoped he would make it to 38. It would have been my 38th week now. Crazy!
   It is getting harder. I thought the first week was hard when I had to leave him in the NICU. The second week was also hard. The third week, we realized how tired we were. And how chaotic things were at home. How much our children were dealing with. How the simplest things like dinner, chores, and bedtime routine became what felt like a burden. All I could think about was Ryker and my next visit. For several weeks now I've watched the parents of other babies heavily trudge in and out of the NICU two, three, four times a day. We have an unspoken common bond that allows us to nod at each other when we make eye contact. None of us should have to bear the weight of this burden. But we do it so willingly because of the beautiful sweet souls that are our children. And I am grateful to have Ryker in my life.

     This is week four. It might possibly be the hardest week yet. There is no end to his stay in the near future. No one can say when he will be ready to come home except for him. He needs to learn how to breathe, suck, swallow.  Maybe one or two more weeks if we are lucky. He hasn't been in the NICU the longest. There are smaller and sicker babies than him. He looks healthy. He looks content. But inside he is still small. He is having difficulty doing things that come naturally to us. He struggles to breathe and he struggles to eat. The doctors tell us daily "He is still young" and "He is acting like a preemie". I know these are meant as words of comfort but they just remind me it is still going to be awhile before he can come home. He was fussy as I left the NICU last night. I  couldn't comfort him or make his pains go away. I had to leave him in the capable hands of the nursing staff. I know he is well taken care of, but that hole in my heart feels bigger every day I have to say goodbye and leave him.
 This post is heavy. And I obviously don't have my "positive pants" on right now, but I haven't forgotten all of our blessings surrounding this little boy. He is meant to be here...a definite gift from God. He survived so many things other babies couldn't have handled. He is improving every day and for that I am grateful! The outpouring of love and help from friends, family, and neighbors is pushing us through this tough time and I know we will make it.

You aren't getting away Papa! 

Hangin' out with Uncle Rico

I got my Granny! 

We will look back on it and realize everything happened the way it was supposed to and we will be able to acknowledge the strength we were able to grasp onto during the hardest days. He is a fighter! I know he will be ok and will be home when he is ready. Our lives will start back up again and we won't measure time by our NICU visits. Anyone who has been there knows what we are going through and have offered many encouraging words. I am thankful for that. I also acknowledge how blessed my life is as I remember daily my angel baby Michael and my Angel mom friends. I know they would trade in a minute to have their babies back. I thank Michael several times a day as I snuggle Ryker and know the sacrifice his brother made to clear the path for this sweet baby. Life can be hard. And it can be beautiful. And through it all...we are survivors. Miracles do happen!

Loving my mommy! 

Caption THIS!! 

Camo baby! Just for his brother J! 

Our Bundle of love!

    Have you ever had a a situation in your life where you are walking or driving but your own world..the world you are aware of...is completely still? You know everything around you is moving...changing...but you are stuck in this surreal void that doesn't change along with everything else. And when you realize this thing is really happening to you, it feels like the walls start to crumble around you and you can't run, or get away, or do anything to change what it happening. I've spent a lot of time in this world of mine lately. Lots of tears and anxiety...

     Two weeks ago, baby Ryker came into this world. Six weeks early. The situation could have been so much worse. I know first hand how much worse it could have been. But leaving the hospital without him felt like my heart stopped. Like I was leaving a major part of me there. For seven and a half months I protected and grew this little being. We made some hard decisions...some major decisions...surrounding his and my care. The risk factors were always there in the background taunting me, but everything seemed fine. The doctors kept saying everything looked perfect. When I had the scare in December and had to go on bedrest, we had more hard decisions to make. Insurance and wage loss...so much stress!! But is was all for the good of this little addition to our life and looking at the whole situation now, I wouldn't change a single thing we did. 

Day 1-So many "snakes" to wrestle! 

     The stress is different now. Today, the tears are not as continuous and the anxiety comes and goes. In my last post, I talked about my trip to the hospital with signs of pre-eclampsia and out of control blood sugar. After we got the contractions under control, I rested and told Baby it wasn't time yet. One week after the hospital stay, I had an appointment with my OB. She was concerned about my blood pressure and a couple of other things. She called the high risk doctors I had been with the week before. When her nurse came back in, she told us they were "checking us in." Rob and I looked at each other and knew we were most likely having this baby. SIX WEEKS EARLY! I was so so anxious and scared! We had come so far...I couldn't lose him now. Ryker was supposed to be in this world but I wasn't sure how it would all go. 

   We checked in to be "observed" for awhile. They monitored the baby. They monitored me. I was still having contractions, even after taking medicine to stop the contractions. We talked to the doctor for a minute but still didn't know what was happening. We knew we had to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor again and get another ultrasound so he could make the call but that's about it. After several hours, we were still waiting to find out if we were having the baby or not. We knew I was probably staying but it was not clear if they were inducing me yet. We thought I might have to be observed again. By 5:00 pm, we were tired, hungry, and I was worried about my other children at home and what they would do about dinner and bedtime. Fortunately, my parents took care of all that and my brother stayed with them. Thank goodness for family! 

   We finally had our turn for the ultrasound. The high risk doctor, the MFM doctor and the labor nurse looked at the ultrasound thoroughly and for a long time. They asked me what I thought...if we should deliver the baby. I was surprised they asked me but so happy they did. After a VERY rough and anxious three weeks, I told them I felt Ryker could get the help he needed and I could get the help I needed separately but what we were currently doing wasn't working with me still pregnant. So we delivered! They got everything going quickly and Rob went home to take care of the boys and get my bag. He came back to the hospital around 8:30 am after dropping the boys off at school. Ryker Jay Stam was born at 9:06 am. It took one push and less than 10 minutes once it was time. Definitely the easiest of my deliveries. And our high risk doctor was amazing! He said the umbilical cord was the longest he has ever see...no wonder Ryker moved ALL THE TIME! He was wrestling that big "snake" in there for months! It was wrapped around him several times, but the doctor freed him from that cord so quickly it was like it never happened. There is no doubt this little bean is meant to be on this earth! 

Not so sure about this world! 

     The NICU doctors got him all cleaned up and he was whisked away to the NICU and hooked up to all the machines. It felt like a nightmare and a miracle all at the same time. I had known the whole time he would be ok and everything would work out. But I just kept thinking anyway. "He will be ok, right?" The NICU team is awesome and they take great care of him. He stabilized right away but had a little scare the third day he was in the NICU. He couldn't hold his food down and he aspirated when he threw up and his lung collapsed. It was terrifying! They put all the tubes back on and I put the call out to my FB friends and family for prayers. And he turned things right around! He has been continually improving since. Thank you everyone for sending healing energy our way! 

   So for now, our "normal" is frequent daily visits to the NICU to change diapers, take temperatures, try to bottle feed and let him grow. I'm honestly surprised he is still in NICU because he is doing so well. So many other sick babies there in the NICU! Our little man is small, but a fighter and ready to go home. He tries to pull the cords off himself every time he is awake and his hands are free from being swaddled. His little personality is huge! He is content and satisfied every time we see him. We are truly blessed to have him in our lives and he is a living miracle. Tender mercies my friend tells me often. I can't believe how much we have been through and I wonder if he feels it too. We are relaxed and relieved when we are together and SOON, we will be able to recover together at home. I am so grateful for the outcome of this story. Miracles happen!  

Baby Update

     February 25, 2017 ranks up there on my list as one of the longest nights EVER!! I'll explain that in a minute...
     Babies are hard! Raising them, anticipating their needs, and for me...even growing them is a challenge! I've been on bedrest for 9 weeks. Nine weeks ago, the whole idea of turning my classroom over to someone else was impossible. So much harder than I thought it would be! And it wasn't because I don't trust the subs or think they will do a bad job. I am a teacher. For the past 18 years I've been helping and nurturing young actors. I was afraid without that major part of me I would be lost. I was afraid I would be missing out, or the kids would like the sub more than me. But honestly, after all of the stress and worry, it's been a relief to be able to turn that major part of my life over to someone else and know I don't have to worry about it right now. My administration and fellow teachers have been so great to handle everything I just left without being able to wrap anything up. With so many other things on my mind, I am happy that school isn't one of them. 

     Nine weeks ago, I didn't realize how this bedrest situation would impact my family, immediate and extended. I didn't realize how demanding my needs would be on my husband and my children. My forgetful pregnancy brain has messed things up more than once over these last couple of months. While it embarrasses me and makes me feel bad, my loving family has been so forgiving! I realized quickly after starting bedrest, I was not going to be able to be the mom I want to be...and it was going to have to be ok. I had to learn to just let things happen as they are going to happen. I've been able to keep my mind pretty busy, but it is a LONG time to be stuck in my bed. 

      So we've settled into a pattern at our house. I've discovered that I can actually engage more with my children and my husband because my time and energy is not split between so many things. My boys say goodbye in the morning and come straight in after school to tell me about their day. I love that! I get to watch them play video games, and legos, and imagination games. I see them helping each other and helping me. It warms my heart when they come in my room to ask if I need anything. Or I "page" J on his phone and he comes running to see what I need. And Rob! He has taken over everything. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids AND me, and keeping us in stock of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. He actually learned how to bake them for us and they are GREAT! They don't usually last more than two days. He does all of this while still carrying out the jobs he has going on. And he doesn't complain. Well...at least not to me. 😂 

    So many people have stepped up to make this easier for my kids and Rob and a result, for me too. I have a long list of people to thank for everything they are doing for us. I would list them, but I'm sure I will forget people...you remember...that pregnancy brain I mentioned earlier. But the meals, and the baby gear, the baby clothes, the texts and calls checking on me, transportation of my children. So many wonderful people helping us out! And my family...my family has been so instrumental in keeping us going. My parents and brothers have been like parents to my children by helping them and shuttling them where they need to be. I couldn't do this without them! 

     So back to Friday night...longest night ever...my mom and husband convinced me to go to labor and delivery after three days of generally feeling pretty yucky. I had just been to my OB the day before I started feeling bad and everything seemed fine so I figured I just hadn't slept enough. I've had some good and bad days lately so I didn't think much of it. But contractions started getting stronger and more frequent so we headed in. Test after test was completed. After talking to the high risk doctor and the nurses, it turns out my blood pressure and my blood sugar had both spiraled out of control quickly. I was also dehydrated. The monitors detected something unusual about the baby's heartbeat, so of course I was terrified! All I could think of all night long is "how can this be happening?!?" We made it this far...I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to this baby. I couldn't even close my eyes and try to sleep because I was so scared. The ultrasound looked ok. They couldn't find anything wrong with the baby. It was baffling to everyone there so we worked on stabilizing everything throughout the night and through the next day. Then I had to be observed another night and day because of the shots they had to give me to speed up the growth of the baby and they were afraid my blood sugar would spike. The team of nurses and doctors were amazing and everything stabilized pretty quickly! Contractions stopped, baby's heartbeat regulated and I started feeling better. A thorough ultra sound was completed and he looks great. He is a BIG baby already.  At almost 33 weeks, he is just still too young to be born. They want me to go AT least 3-4 more weeks so he can develop. They gave me shots to help his lungs develop faster as a precaution...that first night, we were all pretty much preparing for an early delivery. I think I might have started to cry when the doctor said I could go home. :) 

     For now, everything is fine! I'm so happy and relieved he is strong and healthy. I am grateful I was able to get help. I am grateful for modern technology and medicine. I am grateful to be home and sleeping in my own bed! It was a rough few days!

     I am now focused on resting, sleeping, and making lists of final preparations for baby. He has a mind of his own and could make an appearance any time now...even though I told him he needs to settle down and keep developing. This has been an adventure! It's been fun trying to guess what his little personality will be like based on his constant crazy movements and "hiding" from the heart monitors. I can only guess we are in for even more adventure in the upcoming weeks!