Thirty days of love and life

Optimistically cautious. That is how I've been feeling for the last seven months.  It seems we had just gone from a normal, busy life to one where mom was on bedrest. We found a somewhat normal family routine and my daily routine was pretty consistent. I knew exactly which shows I would watch at which time. I would make me something to eat for lunch, usually a baked potato with sour cream and cheese. Because I secretly gave the cats a few pieces of shredded cheese every day, they also got used to the routine. Every day at 11:00, as I was preparing my food, they would sleepily come out from where they were napping and sneak into the kitchen and patiently wait for their daily "treat". Then it was nap time before the boys got home from school. This routine was pretty much set. I was used to it. The cats were used to it.

Waiting for cheese!

Then it all changed again!

    I recently posted about my experience with Ryker's birth. A normal day...a routine OB doctor's visit. Next thing I know, we have a baby! Some of this experience is deeply ingrained in my mind and I will never forget it. Other parts of it are fuzzy and some of it, I don't remember at all. I remember Ryker's perfect little face as I said goodbye to him on his way to the NICU. I remember the first moment I saw him hooked up to all those tubes and wires. I remember being alone in my hospital room while everyone else around me was taking care of their babies. I remember sleeping for four solid hours for the first time in six months. I remember wishing I could hold that baby...many times.
    I realized yesterday that Ryker was 30 days old...and that was the day he was supposed to be induced due to my diabetes. He was never going to make it to 40 weeks...but we hoped he would make it to 38. It would have been my 38th week now. Crazy!
   It is getting harder. I thought the first week was hard when I had to leave him in the NICU. The second week was also hard. The third week, we realized how tired we were. And how chaotic things were at home. How much our children were dealing with. How the simplest things like dinner, chores, and bedtime routine became what felt like a burden. All I could think about was Ryker and my next visit. For several weeks now I've watched the parents of other babies heavily trudge in and out of the NICU two, three, four times a day. We have an unspoken common bond that allows us to nod at each other when we make eye contact. None of us should have to bear the weight of this burden. But we do it so willingly because of the beautiful sweet souls that are our children. And I am grateful to have Ryker in my life.

     This is week four. It might possibly be the hardest week yet. There is no end to his stay in the near future. No one can say when he will be ready to come home except for him. He needs to learn how to breathe, suck, swallow.  Maybe one or two more weeks if we are lucky. He hasn't been in the NICU the longest. There are smaller and sicker babies than him. He looks healthy. He looks content. But inside he is still small. He is having difficulty doing things that come naturally to us. He struggles to breathe and he struggles to eat. The doctors tell us daily "He is still young" and "He is acting like a preemie". I know these are meant as words of comfort but they just remind me it is still going to be awhile before he can come home. He was fussy as I left the NICU last night. I  couldn't comfort him or make his pains go away. I had to leave him in the capable hands of the nursing staff. I know he is well taken care of, but that hole in my heart feels bigger every day I have to say goodbye and leave him.
 This post is heavy. And I obviously don't have my "positive pants" on right now, but I haven't forgotten all of our blessings surrounding this little boy. He is meant to be here...a definite gift from God. He survived so many things other babies couldn't have handled. He is improving every day and for that I am grateful! The outpouring of love and help from friends, family, and neighbors is pushing us through this tough time and I know we will make it.

You aren't getting away Papa! 

Hangin' out with Uncle Rico

I got my Granny! 

We will look back on it and realize everything happened the way it was supposed to and we will be able to acknowledge the strength we were able to grasp onto during the hardest days. He is a fighter! I know he will be ok and will be home when he is ready. Our lives will start back up again and we won't measure time by our NICU visits. Anyone who has been there knows what we are going through and have offered many encouraging words. I am thankful for that. I also acknowledge how blessed my life is as I remember daily my angel baby Michael and my Angel mom friends. I know they would trade in a minute to have their babies back. I thank Michael several times a day as I snuggle Ryker and know the sacrifice his brother made to clear the path for this sweet baby. Life can be hard. And it can be beautiful. And through it all...we are survivors. Miracles do happen!

Loving my mommy! 

Caption THIS!! 

Camo baby! Just for his brother J!